Stirring ideas at 4am

I’d to get up and it’s only 4am. I didn’t get myself a good sleep lately because my brain was loaded with an empty plan. Perhaps it’s a mid life crisis but it’s too early to be a mid life (but it’s exactly mid life if I still believe I will die at 60. It seems to be too early now. Nowadays people are young and can do lots of things at the age of 60). I tried hard to give myself a goal. It has been 10 years after university. I don’t go so far in my career. Not all are true but when I look at myself today I’m not satisfied with it. One of my best friends said. That’s me. I’ll never get satisfied. I might feel it for a short while it’ll change. What he sees is I’m very different from many of our friends. I work very technically. I know that he is right for part of it. But I still question if I’m doing a good job in what I’m doing or not. You know that in the world that resources are shortage. Only ones who are better can have them. These are reasons why I couldn’t sleep. Even my personal life, it’s not been a success yet. I still don’t have a place to live. I don’t own any valuable properties. On top of that, I’m not speaking Swedish after 3 years and a half. Then again my self-esteem starts its defensive mechanism. It’s not I have no ideas after all of these thinking. I have some ideas what I need is to start and continue doing them until I succeed. Now, it’s another problem. I might pause them after a while. When I resume them, they become more expensive.
Yesterday I read a book and it reminded about principles in Buddhism that you must have if you want to succeed in what you’re doing, อิทธิบาท ๔: ฉันทะ วิริยะ จิตตะ วิมังสา It’s obvious why I can’t still speak Swedish. Most of things I do fail because I don’t make them constantly continuing. Now a need of Swedish gets more and more intense. I must be able to speak, read and write good Swedish. So study from course books and read children books are not too bad and it could work but this morning I changed my mind. Why don’t I go higher and more advanced? I don’t need to start from zero every time I learn new stuff. For language it should be possible to accelerate a learning process. I know English and it’s close to Swedish. I can read more advanced topics if they are topics I’m familiar with. Photography is one of them. At the same time I learn and develop myself more than one subject. I tried it this morning and it seemed to work well.

I feel better now. Writing stirring thoughts in my head helps to sort them a little bit. They are better organized. But it doesn’t help me to get any of them done. So I think I go back and continue my reading in Swedish. Goals are still undefined. But they will come along the way. I’m furnishing them.

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